It’s funny
how a colour can rule an important part of your life without you even noticing it. It can
be found everywhere, but you can’t realize it, because you are either too
young, either too busy…
If I was ever to paint a picture of my childhood it will be
in shades of blue. Interesting choice, you’d say, but believe it or not, blue
was the colour that governed my early years of life.
I was born in a snowy morning of mid-November, in a country
that was under the suppression of the communist regime. I can’t remember many
things from my first year of life, but there is one thing that will stay with
me till the moment I die: my room.
For a young
child, one of the most important things is the place where he lives, his room,
his sanctuary. My room with blue cloudy walls was my temple, where I always hid
from the world. Those blue walls encouraged my childish imagination. Behind
those walls I could have been all the things I wanted to: a pop star - singing
and dancing for an imaginary audience, a fashion model - wearing my mom’s
clothes, a teacher – teaching my imaginary students. I felt so good in my blue
room, that my favourite colour became BLUE. I also loved buying blue clothes
that matched my eyes and in high school I was only using blue eye shadow and
blue mascara. Blue became like an obsessive colour that ruled my life. It was
taking me back in time to my blue room, so whenever I saw this colour I felt
safe, at home. And that is why blue was a part of my life.
Until one day of cold December when my mom passed away.
I was only eighteen and from that moment my blue room became a grieving place.
There was no joy in that room anymore. All the memories I made as a child, were
now replaced by a big sadness. Everything changed. Blue wasn’t a comforting
colour anymore. It was haunting and sad, like a ghost from the past that still
tries to make room in your life. All the blue things that once I loved were
sending me back to that awful day.
I don’t know
why, but every time I saw something blue, all those sad memories were coming
back to life. It was like a nightmare that keeps repeating every night, though
it wasn’t a nightmare, it was real. So real that I wanted to run away. And so I
did, thinking that running away will make me forget. But the blue sky, the blue
ocean, they were all a reminder of my fears and nightmares. I couldn’t escape
them. They were my doom.
I thought it
will always going to be like this, one endless fight with my sad memories every
time I see blue. But life always has an interesting twist so not long ago, the
meaning of blue changed again.
Blue’s
meaning changed three years ago when I fell in love with two beautiful blue
eyes. They were nothing like I’ve ever seen before. They were like an innocent
child’s eyes who is looking at his mother for the first time. That was the
moment when blue changed his meaning. It was the colour of love. It stopped
being sad and haunting and became instead warm and loving.
From then, every
day I look into my lovers eyes I know that everything is going to be alright
and there are no more nightmares to be afraid of. Like a phoenix bird, blue
reborn, being more beautiful than ever.
